blatherings

blatherings
the shallow side

strangeness

The brunt of my final chapter is done... a couple more paragraphs, some serious editing and it can easily be in by Monday. Kind of a strange feeling. This will soon no longer be looming over me. Of course, I have this other editing project that should also be done for Monday. And then I just need to edit everything else, re-write my intro, pull together a conclusion and walk away. I've been thinking a lot this week about what I want to do after all this done, especially as I will have a year of waiting for S. I will learn how to drive, get into shape and either start learning Arabic or Russian. And maybe study for the LSAT.

But first, the editing!

28.6.08 21:29


Brave like Amazons

I killed a spider today. A huge one. I did not, although I vaguely tried, to wake S up so that he could rid our home of the spider, which he does by (shudder) picking it up and carrying it outside, where he puts it as far onto the tree away from me as it can possibly go. I know, I know, they are good and wonderful and kill bugs and cure cancer and whatever else people tell me when I start to hyperventilate. But normally I can't even kill them (what if I miss and it gets pissed and comes after me?) so this was a very big deal. But to be honest, I'm not ready yet to get close enough to touch the body, which is a smear on the wall, so it sits there, and I look back every so often to make sure it hasn't reanimated.

If it falls before I go to bed, I'm screaming loud enough to wake S so he can find the body and flush it.

26.6.08 08:41


Grumbling

I am at the Angel part of my thesis and do you have any idea how difficult it is to sum his stuff up? Eight damn years on telly and the fella got into a lot of shit. Which means this page count thingy is just going out the window.

And part of me loves that, btw. The fact that once I freaked out about having to write something ten pages long, and now I'm struggling to keep this to 110.

I have a busy few days ahead of me - a show at the Horowitz, my regular ninja work, getting Angel written, plus the intro and conclusion to this chapter. And the editing thing for the International Centre - which has yet to arrive. Plus, I have plans to go running with a one of the wait staff from the High Level. And all I wanna do is curl up and play Civ4.

25.6.08 08:30


24.6.08 02:42


I hate depression.

I hate depression. Not my own. When I'm down everything loses its flavour and colour and there isn't really any hate. There's no point to anything I don't care about existing. My own depression doesn't bother me. I waste some days and everything feels drab but it gets better and I know it does. I know things will get better, and I just let it run its course. Like a gall stone attack really. I'd rather it didn't happen, and there are things I can do to help avoid it, but it happens and then it isn't much fun but it goes and I'm okay again. But I hate watching people I love who are tortured and in pain. I hate depression the way they hate themselves/how they feel/what they're thinking. I'm exhausted trying to be the supporter. The one they can turn to. I hate being there for them - no, I hate that they need me to be there for them... no, that isn't right either. I hate that they are in pain. That's all. I don't know really if my making sandwiches and saying nice things really helps any, because it never seems to help me, but I can't imagine not being there, doing nothing, walking away.

Maybe the problem is that this is something I can't solve, that I can't fix it, call the plumber, restart the computer, or figure out how it works. I can't bandage this and I can't make it go away because I don't like it. And that makes me want to stomp my feet. I don't even care if I'm the one to fix it, but I don't like knowing that people I love are suffering. I know that there is pain in life and we have to fall down so we can learn to pick ourselves up and blah blah blah. I don't expect everything to be vanilla bland nice. It doesn't have to be pleasant all the time. But does it have to hurt so much?

23.6.08 08:48


I have a problem

First, I need to write all my Varney stuff today - this was the plan, right? To do all the writing, because it is only three pages, in one day and then go out and reward myself. This wouldn't really be a problem if I weren't starting so late, but the exercise plan I had for today was a touch longer than I expected, but fun, so I didn't notice the time... So I'm way late starting.

The real problem though is that I have seven pages of notes, not including stuff from the text, that I need to stuff into three pages, plus stuff from the text, plus my own opinion. le sigh.

The reward for getting this done, is to go to the frosted tipz tonight at the Irish club. Failing that, I'm seeing a film tomorrow. Which won't be as good as Valley of the Dolls, which I saw last night, but will be a reward nonetheless.

15.6.08 00:42


Why am I such a freak?

After being so freaked out Monday night - that I hadn't accomplished enough work in the evening on my thesis to allow me to take a full time job - I called the place on Tuesday to let them know I couldn't. But the woman I need to talk to wasn't in, so I left a message. I spent the rest of Tuesday being social - the first part entailed someone dropping in, and that demolished my plans for the rest of the afternoon. In the evening we had plans to visit the bananafish, and particularly father of bananafish, so S could pick up a new ipod. We hung out till quite late and it was enjoyable. But again, I did no work. Today, due to some unforeseen fussing, I didn't start working until quite late. When I finished the brunt of the work, I looked at the clock, realized it was fairly early and thought "When I speak to the woman formally about the job, I could still offer her part time"

Why am I so intent on filling up my time? It isn't like I'm THAT strapped for cash. I do not know what my problem is.

12.6.08 05:03


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