blatherings

blatherings
the shallow side

home again, home again, jiggidy jig

Vancouver was great fun, not just seeing family and friends, but the city itself was delightful. The conference was fine, and brought on a most excellent story that I will not write about here. But the best part was having an absolute break from everything.
So the plan now is to write one section a week, as that's the only way I can get the chapter done this month. I'm starting today at the time I would be starting if I were to take the job - I'm going to put myself on a schedule that has me mimicking work - I'll get up early, run errands during the day (plus take a nice break and have some exercise), work on my thesis all evening and be in bed at a reasonable time. And hopefully figure out what to do about the job thing.
10.6.08 01:00


Well, that decides it

I sat down tonight to start working on my chapter at about the same time I would if I were getting home from the job - and I don't think it is going to work out. There is no way to get enough done, if I'm working full time, to get this chapter out in three weeks. And yes, it has to be done.

Not that it really matters, as I can't have both jobs at the same time - too much over time. I'm going to speak to the current Ninja head about whether I can take a part time job, and then call the woman for the new job and lay it on her. I don't want to drag this out - they should have a chance to hire someone good and my dragging it out will make this difficult for them.

Any way, I still have some work to get done tonight, so ta.

10.6.08 08:37


Why am I such a freak?

After being so freaked out Monday night - that I hadn't accomplished enough work in the evening on my thesis to allow me to take a full time job - I called the place on Tuesday to let them know I couldn't. But the woman I need to talk to wasn't in, so I left a message. I spent the rest of Tuesday being social - the first part entailed someone dropping in, and that demolished my plans for the rest of the afternoon. In the evening we had plans to visit the bananafish, and particularly father of bananafish, so S could pick up a new ipod. We hung out till quite late and it was enjoyable. But again, I did no work. Today, due to some unforeseen fussing, I didn't start working until quite late. When I finished the brunt of the work, I looked at the clock, realized it was fairly early and thought "When I speak to the woman formally about the job, I could still offer her part time"

Why am I so intent on filling up my time? It isn't like I'm THAT strapped for cash. I do not know what my problem is.

12.6.08 05:03


I have a problem

First, I need to write all my Varney stuff today - this was the plan, right? To do all the writing, because it is only three pages, in one day and then go out and reward myself. This wouldn't really be a problem if I weren't starting so late, but the exercise plan I had for today was a touch longer than I expected, but fun, so I didn't notice the time... So I'm way late starting.

The real problem though is that I have seven pages of notes, not including stuff from the text, that I need to stuff into three pages, plus stuff from the text, plus my own opinion. le sigh.

The reward for getting this done, is to go to the frosted tipz tonight at the Irish club. Failing that, I'm seeing a film tomorrow. Which won't be as good as Valley of the Dolls, which I saw last night, but will be a reward nonetheless.

15.6.08 00:42


I hate depression.

I hate depression. Not my own. When I'm down everything loses its flavour and colour and there isn't really any hate. There's no point to anything I don't care about existing. My own depression doesn't bother me. I waste some days and everything feels drab but it gets better and I know it does. I know things will get better, and I just let it run its course. Like a gall stone attack really. I'd rather it didn't happen, and there are things I can do to help avoid it, but it happens and then it isn't much fun but it goes and I'm okay again. But I hate watching people I love who are tortured and in pain. I hate depression the way they hate themselves/how they feel/what they're thinking. I'm exhausted trying to be the supporter. The one they can turn to. I hate being there for them - no, I hate that they need me to be there for them... no, that isn't right either. I hate that they are in pain. That's all. I don't know really if my making sandwiches and saying nice things really helps any, because it never seems to help me, but I can't imagine not being there, doing nothing, walking away.

Maybe the problem is that this is something I can't solve, that I can't fix it, call the plumber, restart the computer, or figure out how it works. I can't bandage this and I can't make it go away because I don't like it. And that makes me want to stomp my feet. I don't even care if I'm the one to fix it, but I don't like knowing that people I love are suffering. I know that there is pain in life and we have to fall down so we can learn to pick ourselves up and blah blah blah. I don't expect everything to be vanilla bland nice. It doesn't have to be pleasant all the time. But does it have to hurt so much?

23.6.08 08:48


Since the death of gawd there's been an opening

24.6.08 02:42


Grumbling

I am at the Angel part of my thesis and do you have any idea how difficult it is to sum his stuff up? Eight damn years on telly and the fella got into a lot of shit. Which means this page count thingy is just going out the window.

And part of me loves that, btw. The fact that once I freaked out about having to write something ten pages long, and now I'm struggling to keep this to 110.

I have a busy few days ahead of me - a show at the Horowitz, my regular ninja work, getting Angel written, plus the intro and conclusion to this chapter. And the editing thing for the International Centre - which has yet to arrive. Plus, I have plans to go running with a one of the wait staff from the High Level. And all I wanna do is curl up and play Civ4.

25.6.08 08:30


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