Quandry - blatherings - @ 20six.co.uk

blatherings
the shallow side

Quandry

So. I had a conversation with a friend the other day. They made a snap judgment on something, and I called them on it. We talked about it for a while, and they admitted they had responded thoughtlessly. We went on to talk about some other stuff. I thought the conversation ended well and thought nothing more of it. But now I realize they are talking behind my back and telling virtually everyone that I am patronizing and made them feel worthless, with no valid ideas.
Oddly enough, this bothers me.
There are a few things here that annoy me. First, they aren't telling the whole story. What other people hear is that I put this person down. They neglect to mention their ability to make judgments on other people's lives. Second, I had no clue I had up set them. They did not tell me directly either at the time or in the days since. Third, considering the situation, they knew I would find out about the talking behind my back.
Now, did they do this as a passive aggressive way of lashing out? Am I supposed to feel sorry that I've hurt them and come to them on bended knee begging forgiveness for my apparent belittlement of their very existence? We've known each other for a while and I don't usually respond in that manner to gossip.
Am I supposed to be the grown up here and directly discuss it, or am I allowed to play the same games?
And yes, for the record, I recognize that writing this is just as childish, and going-about-the-backish. So why am I doing it?
Partially because I can’t sleep and because I want to write more. I keep reading this news items where it says that writing about traumatic experiences helps one heal. So why would I deny this person the same healing? Because if you have a problem with what I say, let me know. Why aren’t I doing that with the person in question? Because when I did that, they went behind my back and called me names.
So someone was childish and I’m doing the same.
sigh.
I need to figure out what I want from all this.
Well, what do you think?

16.10.04 09:31

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(16.10.04 22:07)
They called you names? Hmm.
Why do you think this person would lash out like that?
What you want from all what? The incident? Do you think writing/talking about stuff helps trauma? Or just makes it fester?
It sounds like this person acted immaturely, but hopefully they're sorry.

(17.10.04 01:11)
They didn’t call me names like ‘bitch’ but what is the difference between that and saying I’m patronizing?
Why did they lash out? Because they were angry, clearly. But for some reason I think that friends, instead of lashing out in public, should have the decency to tell their friend that they are angry, hurt, happy, whatever. Fucking lash out to ME if I am hurting you, so I can know about and either stop or explain my behavior. True enough, I know now. But I also know that this person does not respect/trust me enough to talk to me and would rather bad mouth me to others while making certain I will find out about it.
What do I want from all this refers more to, how would I like this situation resolved? Is there any sense in my talking to this person about anything of substance if I have to worry about them telling everyone how awful I am? Considering we have been friends for a long time I would like to think yes, but this isn’t the first time my actions have been fair game for public conversation. Although this time the whole context was left out. Do I put up with this kind of gossiping as a minor flaw of my friend’s, or is it more symptomatic of their inability to see how other people are effected by their actions?
I think writing and talking about problems or trauma can be helpful, but not always. If you want to work through something, you can. If you obsess over minor problems and don’t let yourself move on, then no, no good will come of anything. If you focus on the negative then things will fester. If you provide yourself opportunities to think differently or look at problems from other angles then I think festering is unlikely. But you have to actually be willing to make the growth.
What does sorry mean? That they wished they had acted differently? That they will make an offer to not to act that way in the future? That they wish it wasn’t an issue at all because it takes away from having fun? Does someone saying sorry mean that anything is resolved? How do yo rebuild trust? I’m furious, but tired of being the one who says “let’s talk about this problem” The person frequently says “I don’t want to talk about this now” which is fine. But if they don’t tell me they have a problem with me, but are willing to tell others, how can I be comfortable around them again? I know what the people this person has talked to think about the situation, but I also know they don’t know the full situation. This affects my relationship with these people. I get painted as evil, or at least mean, without knowing that I’ve done anything wrong. If they are sorry, and I don’t know that they are, that doesn’t change the situation, or the fact that my relationship with others has been altered.